Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Shit happens
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...
Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
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Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
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Gooey ShitThis has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
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Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
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Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
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Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.
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You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
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This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
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This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
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You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
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You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
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This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
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Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.
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You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.
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This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
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The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
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The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
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The Ring of Fire ShitThe kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
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The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
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The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
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The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
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The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
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The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
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The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
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When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.
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Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!
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The Never Ending ShitIt's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
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Ouch That Hurt ShitThe type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
Read More..
Knock! Knock! Jokes
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ammonia.
Ammonia who?
(Sings) Ammonia poor little sparrow.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Whos there' every time I knock.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.
Read More..
What We've Learnt From Movies
1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
4. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
5. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
6. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
7. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
8. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
9. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
10. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
11. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
12. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
13. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat them.
14. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
15. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
16. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
17.Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
18. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
19. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
21. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
22. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
23. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
24. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
25. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
26. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
28. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
29. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
31. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
32. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
33. Male human beings almost never undress to have sex, or if they finally do it, they are samples of the species with no visible genitals.
34. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
36. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
37. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
38. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
39. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread.
40. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
41. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
42. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
43. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
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